Wednesday, September 10, 2008

New Hurricane Cocktails

Usually email forwards aren't worth posting, but I'll make an exception for this one.

MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with
equal parts clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor
whose tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd
warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.

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CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then
garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and
vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded
your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.

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CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman
say, 'cone of probability,' bite off the end of the cone and down the shot.
If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they should
change this to the 'Cantore Zone'... damn him.
Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if
Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?)

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FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass.
Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir,
and drink through a straw.

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BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee butt back to New Jersey where it belongs.

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DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass.
Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two
freakin' weeks without television and AC.

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FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills
all over the countertop.

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COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz.. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits
your tongue.
Repeat.

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LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt.
Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and
can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of
sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot one, blast him with
rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.

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THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.
Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt
to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to
hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.

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FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself
and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks
first.. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If
somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and
beat the living crap out of him.

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BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve.
Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup.
If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do
the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the
process.

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FEMA FIZZLE
1 1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in
ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin
in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of
Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie.
Before drinking, raise the glass and say the toast, 'Doing a helluva
job Brownie

4 comments:

nolablossom said...

these are hilarious! hope you don't mind i'm copying them and putting on my blog.

glad yall returned home and no damages!

still waiting to hear about your road trip...

nolablossom said...

oh, your ABQ road trip, that is.

Dr. A said...

Hilarious! Someone just emailed me these at work!

NOLA Cleophatra said...

I hope to type up a travelogue, with photos, this weekend. Dang Gustav. My trip seems years away already.